In my last article we looked at a newlywed Christian husband’s experience with incorporating domestic discipline to compel sexual obedience from his wife in his marriage. In this article we will hear about these changes from his wife’s (Sarah’s) perspective. The first part of her testimony which centers more on domestic discipline than sex, you can find on Biblicalgenderroles.com in an article entitled “A Newlywed Christian Wife’s Experience with Incorporating Domestic Discipline”.
“The sexual relationship changes were the hardest for me because it is so personal and as women in our modern post-feminist culture, we have been raised with a very strong sense of autonomy concerning sex. The whole “my body, my choice” mindset. But this does not line up with what the Bible says. Read it yourself, then if you still have an issue with what it says take it up with God. I understood this, but my feelings still clearly lined up with the way I was raised which was the “my body, my choice” mindset. I had to put away what I learned in my father’s house and learn that now I am under my husband’s rule in all areas including sexually.
This took time, prayer, many discussions with a mentor wife, and a number of spankings from my husband that helped me over several hurdles. Yes, he spanked me for sexual disobedience.
Some of you are likely saying right now that this was abuse or at least an abuse of his authority. I felt this same way at times, but the mentor wife helped me through those feelings and I learned not to live by my feelings but by the Word of God.
All this change has been hard and I am truthfully still adjusting to some of it. I will outline some of the examples of things I had to learn to accept.
First the male sex drive is very different than the female sex drive. OK, we as women already know that to a certain degree. However, I did not realize the extent of the differences between men and women when it comes to how they approach sex. You see, before we made these recent changes, my husband was keeping a lot from me as to how often he desired sex and the kind of sexual things he desired from me.
For example, I knew my husband, like most men who are reading this right now, looked at other women and probably imagined them naked or what it would be like to have sex with them. I just thought this was part of man’s sinful nature that I needed to help my husband control. After all, this is what we are taught in church, that a man should only have sexual desire toward one woman and that one woman is his wife. As Christian wives, we are taught that our jealousy toward our husbands, wanting them to only have eyes for us, is a righteous jealousy.
But I came to see by looking at the Scriptures with my mentor wife that what I was taught about the male sexual nature in church and by my parents was wrong. What I did not know was God actually designed men to desire multiple wives. I saw that God allowed for polygamy in his law, that he regulated it and even blessed a woman for giving her husband another wife. Today, men don’t get to practice this by marrying multiple women because of the culture we live in. But that does not make a man’s polygynous sexual desires go away. Instead, most men simply exercise their polygynous desires by looking at women around them and then they construct fantasies in their minds. Many men imagine other women while they are having sex with their wives. I now had to face it, and accept that this behavior in most men, including my husband, was not sinful.
Like any other wife, I only want my husband to have eyes for me, but now I understand he can love me fully, but still enjoy the view of other women and even have sexual fantasies about other women without him engaging in whoremongering. While this was all difficult for me to wrap my head around, there were a lot of good things that came from it.
My husband for the first time in our new marriage was able to be real with me and share the truth of how he felt as a man. His sexual desires and fantasies, things most Christian husbands are never truly honest with their wives he shared with me. I was both happy and sad after we had this frank and honest discussion.
I was happy to know what my husband actually desired sexually so I could please him better, even if some of the things he wanted from me would be difficult for me at first. But I was also sad when realized that we could have gone our entire marriage with my husband having to hide and suppress most of his masculine sexual nature from me. And ladies let’s face it – this is our fault as women. How can our husbands be honest with us about their sexual desires when we as Christian wives are ready to pounce on them if they say what they really desire?
And let me be clear on something else. These discussions my husband had with me were not given in the tone of “this is what I would like you to do”, but instead they were given in the tone of “these are things that I will be requiring of you going forward in our marriage”. In other words, they were not presented as optional.
After these discussions my husband would ask me to do many things in the sexual arena that were extremely difficult for me to do.
He insisted that I pose for erotic photos for him. I also had to take some nude selfies for him. Once I made it over that barrier, he wanted videos of me masturbating to orgasm. I don’t think I have to explain for women reading this how hard it was for me to do these things. Fortunately, I don’t have a lot of body image issues that I know many women struggle with, but I do still have the same embarrassment issues. Just masturbating in front of him with a dildo or vibrator was hard enough, but now he wanted to video it.
He also asked me to do some things outside the privacy of our bedroom. He asked me to wear more revealing clothes when we went out on dates. For instance, he would ask me not to wear a bra or underwear and to wear blouses or dresses that were more revealing of my form and especially of my breasts. That was very difficult for me. It went against the sense of modesty I was raised with. But again, the mentor wife took me through the Scriptures and revealed to me that modesty in the Bible does not mean “non-sexually arousing clothes” but rather it means “appropriate clothes”. It meant that while it would not be appropriate for me to wear a certain revealing dress to church, that it is perfectly appropriate for me to wear that same dress for a night on the town with my husband.
Initially I felt like doing these things was me acting “slutty”. But then the mentor wife shared with me an article about what makes the difference between a woman’s sexual actions being “slutty” or being “sexy”: And the difference is marriage. That helped, but it still was not easy. I got a spanking over this too. One of the other hurdles I had to cross was learning to swallow after I gave him oral sex. I always thought that was really gross and I should not have to do it. Now, I am over that and actually offer it to him sometimes on my own. However, that one took a spanking too.
The Christian wives out there will fully understand where I am coming from. It is hard to really fully submit to your husband in the sexual area. There is just so much that is deeply ingrained in how we feel about it. As I said before, I don’t claim that I have accomplished it all yet. There is still some times where I just obey out of fear of punishment instead of truly submitting and obey from the heart. However, like swallowing, there are some things that I can say I truly submit from my heart instead of just obeying in my actions alone. That is how it goes, just obeying initially and then over time, learning to truly submit from the heart on many of these issues. And I recognize that there may be some things that I just won’t be able to genuinely get into from my heart, but I will continue to obey.
While some things were difficult for me and some things are still difficult for me, I can tell the women reading this that there are indeed benefits to us as wives when we fully submit to our husbands in the sexual area. I have seen a very noticeable change in my husband’s affection and passion toward me as a direct result of my full submission to his sexual desires. He randomly takes me to nice places, buys me things and does nice things for me much more than he did when I was controlling the sexual aspect of our marriage.
My husband accepts that I am trying hard and this whole process while being difficult for me has been a blessing to our marriage. I know I am loved, and I am treasured even as imperfect as I am. And that is how God loves me too.”
What We Learn From this Wife’s Testimony
There really is so much that women can learn from this young newlywed wife’s testimony.
While I do believe there are some women who consciously know they are in complete control of the sexual area of the marriage, I also believe that there are a great number of women who don’t consciously realize this until someone points it out to them. And this is where husbands must start having the courage to spiritually teach, rebuke and chastise their wives to bring them into compliance with God’s design for sex in marriage.
Like many young Christian women, Sarah was conditioned from an early age both by our secular culture and even by her church and her parents to believe some ideas that are contrary to the Word of God. And one the most wicked ideas of our modern age that is taught to young women is the “my body, my choice” idea. Millions of unborn children have died as a result of this wicked ideology.
Think about the irony of this for a second. A Christian wife goes and marches in a pro-life parade rallying against the pro-abortion stance that women can do what they want with their bodies but the moment they get home and their husband’s goes to touch them they have the exact same reaction to him – “my body, my choice”.
The Scriptures tell us as Christians in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore, glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s”. This reveals to us that “my body, my choice” whether it is applied to men or to women has no place in a Christian worldview. We do not have the choice to do things with our body that are sinful against God’s law. Everything we do with our bodies should bring glory and honor to God.
And that brings us to the next point. The Bible says in Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”. That means sexual relations within marriage are an honorable and pure use of our bodies as the temple of God.
The Bible also says that God created the woman for the man, not the man for the woman in 1 Corinthians 11:9. In addition to this it says that sex is “the natural use of the woman” by man in Romans 1:27 and God encourages men to use their wife’s body to satisfy their sexual desires in Proverbs 5:18-19.
So, we know that not only are sexual relations in marriage an honorable and pure use of both the male and female bodies, but we also know that it is honorable and pure for a man to ask his wife to fulfill his various sexual desires with her body as long as those desires do not violate God’s law.
We also learn from Sarah’s testimony how she had to unlearn common church teachings which degrade the masculine sexual nature while elevating the feminine sexual nature to the standard to which men should strive for. It is not uncommon for churches and especially Christian female teachers online to teach wives that their husband’s sexual nature is shallow and she needs to help him control it. These people literally encourage women in their jealousy toward their husbands, teaching them a woman’s jealousy is God’s way of keeping a man on the straight and narrow sexually speaking. They teach women what Sarah mentioned in her testimony that “Your husband is to have eyes for one woman and one woman alone and that is you!”
And let’s be honest. Women don’t have to be taught to be jealous of their husband’s sexual attraction – they just naturally are. But these teachings encourage women in this jealousy and in many ways these teachings supercharge a women’s jealousy toward their husbands giving them a sense of a righteous indignation toward their husbands.
Now let my tie this in with polygamy. How often do we hear in Christian circles that “we know polygamy was wrong because of the jealousy it caused between the wives”? So, what are they really saying? A woman’s feelings are the standard of what is right and wrong. And that is exactly what is wrong with our post-feminist culture today.
In other words, according to most Christian teachers today, a man’s natural polygynous desires are a corruption of his nature, that God intended for a man to have a desire for only one wife. But a woman’s natural tendency to be jealous of her husband and want him to only have desire toward her is holy and righteous.
Either a woman’s possessive jealousy of her husband and wanting him to have eyes only for her is a sin or a man having a polygynous desire, a desire for multiple women is sin. So how do we know whose natural behavior is right before God?
The answer is found in the Bible. The Bible shows that God rewarded Leah for giving her husband another wife in Genesis 30:18. It shows that God allows and regulates polygamy in Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, Deuteronomy 25:5-7. And God does not allow or regulate activities that he considers to be sinful. Some will answer that with “God allowed divorce and he considered that sinful”. I invite people who raise that point to reexamine that position. God does not see divorce itself as sinful, but rather he allows divorce for certain behaviors by husbands or wives. When God condemns divorce, he is condemning divorce under the wrong circumstances, not all divorce.
Just as when God condemns kings multiplying wives in Deuteronomy 17:17, he is not condemning all instances of polygamy, but only men having too many wives – Solomon was a good example of a husband who violated God’s command in Deuteronomy 17:17. We know he was not condemning a king having more than one wife because in II Samuel 12:8 he told David after he committed adultery with Bathsheba that he would have given him more wives if he had asked.
In fact, we actually see in 2 Samuel 6:19-23 that Michal, the wife of King David, was made barren by God because of her jealousy over the fact her husband had “uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants”.
The Scriptures give us the answer to this question of whether a woman’s possessive jealousy toward her husband is sinful or whether a man’s polygynous sexual desire is sinful and the answer is a woman’s possessive jealousy toward her husband is sinful.
And Sarah had to realize that this was part of her sin nature, not the nature God designed woman with in the Garden of Eden before sin.
Sarah also had to realize that what may be considered “slutty” outside of marriage can very well be considered “sexy” within marriage. The article where she learned that concept is actually an article that I wrote that you can find on this blog entitled “A Biblical Guide to Seducing Your Husband”. In that article I trace through many sexual euphemisms used in the Song of Solomon to help Christian women form a plan for how to please their husbands sexually. And the things the wife of Song of Solomon does toward her husband, for her husband and the things she asks him to do to her sexually would very much be considered “slutty” by many conservative and prudish Christians today. And while I would agree these actions would be considered slutty or whorish outside of marriage, inside of marriage they are sexy and pure as the driven snow.
Sarah also learned that sometimes she needs discipline from her husband, a spanking, to get over some of her hurdles in the sexual arena. When a woman refuses something sexually, not because it is clearly outlined as sin in the Bible, but just based on her feelings, this is her trying to maintain a certain amount of power in her marriage. She is not submitting to her husband “in everything” as Ephesians 5:24 commands.
This young newlywed wife has gone through some very difficult changes in her new marriage, not unlike a soldier goes through when he goes through bootcamp. In the Scriptures we see another analogy which Christ applies to his marriage to his wife, the church, in Ephesians 5:25-27:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Husband’s are commanded to love their wives in all the ways that Christ loves his church. Two aspects of Christ’s love are revealed in the verses above. Christ’s love is a sacrificial love, and it also a sanctifying love. And so too husbands are called to sacrifice themselves, not for their wife’s happiness, but for her sanctification. This is progressive sanctification of course, not positional sanctification which Christ purchased with his blood for those who place their faith and trust in him.
Two other aspects of Christ’s love apply to this discussion of sexual obedience and these are found in Revelation 3:19 where Christ says to his churches “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”. So, we see that Christ’s love for his church is also a rebuking love and a chastening love and husbands need to love their wives in this way as well.
Every time Sarah was resistant to her husband’s authority that resistance was a spiritual spot, wrinkle or blemish that her husband needed to wash with the Word of God, rebuke and apply chastening to fully remove. But when this process of washing, rebuking and chastening is complete, like Christ’s church, Sarah will be the glorious wife God intended her to be and in doing so she will fulfill her purpose as a woman.
In 1 Corinthians 11:7 we read “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man”.
The male human being was created to image God and thereby bring him glory. And one of the ways man images God with his life is by being the kind of husband that God is to his wife, by loving her in all the different ways that God loves his wife. And woman was created to bring man glory. And she does this by submitting to and serving man as the people of God are to submit to and serve God.
And now let’s apply this principle of woman being created to bring man glory and thereby bringing God glory with her life. Let’s ask ourselves some questions in regard to a woman’s sexual obedience in marriage both as men and women reading this.
Which is a more glorious wife? A wife that places all aspects of her life under the authority of her husband? Or a wife who still retains control in some areas, refusing to submit in those areas?
Which is a more glorious wife? A wife that wears sexy, more revealing clothing on a date at the request of her husband, or the one who refuses?
Which is a more glorious wife? A wife whom when her husband comes behind her and cups her breasts and grabs her butt fully receives her husband’s sexual advances or the one who pushes his hands away and says “stop groping me”?
Which is a more glorious wife? A wife whom when her husband picks her up and puts her on the bed willing receives his desire for sexual relations or the wife who says “What are you doing? I am not in the mood”?
Which is a more glorious wife? A wife who drops to her knees without hesitation when her husband unzips his pants and gives him a blow job or the one who refuses oral sex to her husband calling it “gross”?
Which is a more glorious wife? The one who takes nude selfies, makes masturbation videos and sends them to her husband on his phone while he is away or the one who calls these requests by her husband “perverted”?
If we are being honest, we know the answers to all these questions I have just posed.
Finally, ladies I want to talk about affection and passion. In the beginning of relationship between a man and woman, while they are courting the man may show great affection and passion before they have ever had sex. And especially if the couple is Christian and waits for sex until after marriage, the woman may receive a great deal of affection and passion from her fiancé.
And then that dynamic completely changes after marriage. When the man gets sex after marriage the affection and passion are not near the levels they were while the couple was courting and eventually there may be little to no affection and passion from the husband toward his wife.
Listen closely ladies. The reason for this change is because once you start having sex, you must reverse your entire mindset as to what fuels your husband’s affection toward you. A man’s affection and passion for a woman is fueled by the prospect of sexual relations before they occur. After a man and woman have sexual relations for the first time, a man’s affection and passion for his wife is fueled by her continually pleasing him in the sexual arena. How she keeps up her body, her flashing her husband, her wearing lingerie, her randomly initiating sex, her receiving his sexual advances – all of these things are what fuels a man’s affection and passion for a woman after they have engaged in sexual relations.
Few women ever understand this dynamic change after marriage and often this ignorance on the part of women leads them to eventually divorcing their husbands because “he does not make me feel loved the way he did while we were dating”. Sound familiar? It happens every day in thousands of marriages across America. Wives get angry at their husbands for lacking the affection and passion they had while they were courting and so they hold back in the sexual area until he “earns it” not realizing it is up to them, the wives, after marriage to continue to fuel that affection and passion by sexually pleasing their husbands.
So yes ladies – there is a benefit to you in being obedient both to God and your husband in this sexual arena and that benefit is more affection and passion from your husband.
But women also need to taper their expectations a bit here. Even if you knock your husband’s socks off in the sexual area, that does not automatically mean his affection and desire will go back to exactly where it was when you were courting. Your relationship was brand new and it will never again be brand new. And there may be other factors that affect your husband’s affection and passion toward you. He may have stress at work that will affect it or he may have low testosterone or ED issues. And if he does have a medical condition, he does need to get that checked out as there is help for that.
And you can affect your husband’s affection and passion for you by your behavior outside the sexual arena.
For instance, if you give your husband the best blow job in the world, but a few minutes afterwards you start criticizing him about something around the house he has not done for you – you may just evaporate any feelings of affection you generated by sexually pleasing him.
I hope that many young wives will learn from Sarah’s Testimony as well as the Scriptures and principles I have expounded upon here. I continue to believe based on the Bible and experience with couples, that if you want a successful marriage by God’s standards the majority of it comes down to the wife’s level of submission to her husband – especially in the sexual arena.