What we actually want from sex and what we should want from sex often are not the same thing. Humanists will tell you “Don’t let anyone tell you what you want from sex, what you want is what you want”. But that is actually very disingenuous on their part, because even humanists don’t really believe you can want whatever you want from sex.
What they really mean is “Don’t let anyone tell you what you want from sex, unless of course what you want violates our humanist principles. Then we can tell you what you should want.”
The point is, very few people in this world believe that you can want whatever you want from sex with no boundaries and no moral principles. Most people believe we must control our sexual desires and cultivate our sexual desires within a certain moral framework. We just disagree on what moral framework our sexual desires should be cultivated in.
In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said “…Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God”. Christ was telling us that our daily life decisions as well as our desires should be governed by the Bible. This also means that for us as Christians, the moral framework that should serve as the basis for our sexual desires is the Bible.
The unfortunate truth is that many Christians in our modern age have tried to make the Bible more palatable to themselves and our humanist culture. Even many church leaders and church teachers, do not believe what Christ said the Matthew 4:4. They think we cannot live by every word of the Bible, because it is “outdated” and many things it says directly conflict with the values and moral principles of our modern humanist culture.
But God has still reserved to himself a faithful remnant of Christians today that believe we can and must indeed follow Christ’s admonition to live by every Word of the Bible. Such Christians are often referred to as “Biblicists”.
So, the first question you must ask yourself if you are Christian is, will I be a Humanist Christian or a Biblicist Christian? Will I live by every value of my humanist culture, and only those things in the Bible which do not conflict with it? Or will I live by every word of the Bible and only those things in my culture which do not conflict with the Bible?
What We Should Want from Sex Depends on Our Gender
In Mark 10:6 the Bible says “But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female”. Gender is not a social construct. It is a God construct. And while men and women both have eternal souls and share a common human nature, they have different variations of that human nature which are the masculine and the feminine human natures.
In 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 we read why God created two different variations of human beings:
“For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”
Man was given his human nature to image God, which means he was created to literally live out the various attributes of God. Woman was not given her human nature to live out God’s attributes. Instead she was created for the male human being, the image bearer of God. She was given her common human nature with him to make her a suitable companion for him, to be his lover, to bare his children and to care for his home. Woman was created as “the weaker vessel” as 1 Peter 3:7 describes woman, so that she would need man’s strength, his leadership, his provision and his protection to symbolize mankind’s need of God’s strength, his leadership, his provision and his protection.
It is this truth, that woman was created for man and not man for woman that must serve as the core guiding principle of how each gender can determine what God wants them to want from sex.
What God Wants Men to Want From Sex
Today we are told that the primary thing husbands should want from sex is to emotionally bond with their wives. Many Christian teachers teach that is sinful for a man to desire sex with his wife purely for his own physical pleasure. That he should never “sexually objectify” his wife and view her as an object for his sexual use and pleasure. They teach this as part of their larger belief that we should never want anything for ourselves, but instead we should only be looking to do good things for others.
They base this false teaching on a misinterpretation and misapplication of Bible passages like Philippians 2:4 which states “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others”. The problem is that they ignore a very important word in that verse and that word is “also”. There is absolutely no sin in a person seeking to meet their own needs or even their own desires as long as they also consider the needs and desires others.
The truth that may shock many Christian readers is that God actually encourages men to use their wife’s body to meet their sexual thirsts.
In Romans 1:26-27 we read the following:
“For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet”.
God uses different language for sex when it comes men and women. In the context of homosexuality, God says that women “change the natural use into that which is against nature”.
So, what is “the natural use” which Romans 1:26 refers to? We find out in the very next verse. In Romans 1:27 we are told that the natural use refers to “men, leaving the natural use of the woman”. In other words, women were created for man’s sexual use.
If we turn back to the Old Testament, we see God elaborating on this purpose of woman, to be used for man’s sexual pleasure. In Proverbs 5:15 we read “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well”. In this passage God compares a man’s sexual desire for woman to the human thirst for water. In other words, God is saying sex is a very important need for a man. And God has given men their wives bodies to meet their sexual thirst.
But later in the same passage of Scripture we read in Proverbs 5:18-19:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love”.
Between Romans 1:27, Proverbs 5:15 and then Proverbs 5:18-19 we see that what the church teaches men they should want from sex today is WRONG. When they condemn husbands for wanting to use their wife’s body for their own sexual pleasure they do so in direct contradiction to the written Word of God.
If you are a man reading this and you desire to satisfy yourself with your wife’s body, to drink your fill of it and to use it for your own pleasure – there is no sin in this desire. But rather this desire is holy and part of God’s design of your masculine nature. You may have been raised your whole life to be ashamed of such desires. But I implore you based upon the clear teachings of the Bible, that you leave your shame behind and fully embrace the God created desires in you that you have toward woman.
What God Wants Women to Want From Sex
In Exodus 21:10-11 we read “If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money”. The phrase “duty of marriage” refers to her conjugal rights or in other words, the husband’s duty to have sex with his wife.
So, in similar fashion to Proverbs 5:15’s comparison of sex for men to the human need for water, in Exodus 21:10-11 God compares sex for women to the human need for food and clothing. So, we can rightly say based on the Word of God that sex is a need for both men and women.
And it is because of this truth, that both men and women need sex that God gave these commands found in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4:
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife”.
But just because men and women both need sex does that mean they need it to the same degree?
If we look at the needs that the Bible compares a woman’s sexual need to and then look at the need it compares a man’s sexual need to, we can answer this question.
Which can the human body go longer without? Food and clothing or water? Under temperate climate conditions the human body can go for an extended and perhaps indefinite period of time without clothing. And while food is a more important need than clothing, the human body can go weeks without food. The human being can live 30 to 60 days without food. But most human beings cannot go more than 3 days without water or they will die.
So yes, men and women both need sex. The Bible makes this very clear. But it also shows in how it compares the need for sex in men and women that sex is a far greater need for man. And that is a realization that every Christian woman needs to come to.
Now that we have established that sex is a need for women, even if women do not typically need as often as men. We then have to look at the difference in reasons that men and women need sex. While men need sex primarily to fulfil their physical and psychological thirst for the female body, women need sex for two primary reasons.
The first is that just as God created man with insatiable thirst for woman’s body, God also created women with a strong desire to be desired by man. When a man takes his woman in the act of sex, it fulfills her need to feel beautiful to him, to feel desired by him and ultimately to feel loved by him.
In Psalm 45:11, in a prophecy concerning Christ and his Church, the Bible says “So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him”. When we remember that man’s created purpose is to image God with his life then we understand the strong desire of men toward the beauty of woman. Man’s desire for the beauty of woman’s body symbolizes Christ’s desire for the beauty of his church.
And when we understand that woman was created for man, then we understand why women have a strong need to feel beautiful and desired by men. Men desire the beauty of women, so God designed women to desire to be beautiful for men. Men desire to take and use a woman’s body for their sexual pleasure and to meet this desire in men God designed women to desire to taken by men sexually. It is sin that corrupts these desires in women or causes them to deny these desires they have toward men.
This is why we read from the wife in Song of Solomon 7:10 “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me”. The wife wants her man to desire her beauty. But not just her beauty. She wants her beloved to desire to take her body and use it for his pleasure. In Song of Solomon 4:16 the wife invites her husband to feast upon her body when she makes the following statement:
“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits”.
And in the Song of Solomon 1:1 the wife says of her husband:
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine”.
When we take all of these Scriptures together what do we see that women should want from sex? They should want their husband to desire their beauty and to take and use their body for his pleasure. They should would want him to embrace them and kiss them and by doing all this show his love and desire for them.
But the second reason for a woman’s need for sex, that God has placed in her nature, is her need to have children. This is a defining need of a woman.
Let me illustrate from my own life origin story. My aunt, my father’s brother’s wife, told me recently that when their son was born my mom and dad came over and my mom held their son in her arms. That same evening, when my mom went home, she jumped my dad’s bones and boom, she was pregnant with me.
But outside these two powerful needs that drive women to have sex with men there is another spiritual reason which should drive Christian women to want to have sex with their husbands. And that reason is that they fully realize they were made for him and specifically to meet his need in this area of sex. It pleases him and gives him passion toward them and toward everything else in his life. This should drive any Christian woman to want sex as often as she can have it with her husband.
Men, will you resist a post-feminist culture that denigrates your male sexuality? Will you resist the narrative today that that men are somehow corrupt or dirty for their strong physical desire to use the female body for their pleasure? Will you accept that God calls such a desire for the natural use of the woman by man – holy? Will you see that your desire for sex at a much greater rate than your wife is not selfishness on your part? But rather it is selfishness on your wife’s part for her to deny you her body which God has given to you?
Ladies, will you accept that one of the reasons God created you was for man’s sexual pleasure. That your disgust at “being objectified” is based in a humanistic world view and not a Biblical one? Will you see your body as your husband’s or future husband’s garden of pleasure from which he may freely partake and the well which God designed to quench his sexual thirst? Will you get back to your true feminine nature as God designed it to be and actually enjoy being desired and yes “sexually used” by your husband?
The only thing that is stopping you from doing this is pride. You must let go of the humanistic ideals you have been raised with that fill you with pride. Once you fully embrace your femininity as God designed and freely give yourself to your husband whenever he so desires your body, you will see that God’s design is what is best for you and your marriage. And in the process, you will bring glory to God.