“Should I fake having sexual pleasure with my husband?” This is a question a lot of Christian wives ask. Some may frame the question in a way that seems to force an answer. They might say “Isn’t ‘faking it’ a form of lying and God never wants us to lie right?” This is kind of like asking a man “When did you stop beating your wife?” It presupposes something to be true.
Is lying always wrong for a Christian?
I remember reading a book many years ago by Josh McDowell and Norm Geisler called “Love is Always Right”. These two men were some of my favorite authors growing up, because they were not afraid to tackle the tough questions.
In that book they tackled the issue of “Is lying always wrong in God’s eyes” and the conclusion they came to based on the Scriptures is no. I don’t have the book anymore so I am going somewhat on memory here. The basic gist of their argument was, if an untruth is being told to cover sin (yours or someone else’s), or cause harm to someone (like a false witness) then it is sin in God’s eyes. However if the lie being told is to protect innocent life, or promote and protect righteous acts then it is not sin.
Lying is not always wrong in God’s eyes, in the same way that killing is not always wrong. If a person is killed because of just punishment by the state, or solider is killed in battle or someone is killed in an act of self-defense there is no sin it. But if we kill someone out of selfishness or hate or for other sinful reasons, then it becomes murder and therefore the killing in that instance is sin.
The Hebrew midwives lied to the King of Egypt out of fear for God
“And the king of Egypt spake to the Hebrew midwives, of which the name of the one was Shiphrah, and the name of the other Puah: And he said, When ye do the office of a midwife to the Hebrew women, and see them upon the stools; if it be a son, then ye shall kill him: but if it be a daughter, then she shall live.
But the midwives feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive.
And the king of Egypt called for the midwives, and said unto them, Why have ye done this thing, and have saved the men children alive? And the midwives said unto Pharaoh, Because the Hebrew women are not as the Egyptian women; for they are lively, and are delivered ere the midwives come in unto them.
Therefore God dealt well with the midwives: and the people multiplied, and waxed very mighty.
And it came to pass, because the midwives feared God, that he made them houses.”
Exodus 1:15-21 (KJV)
The Bible says because the Hebrew midwives “feared God”, therefore they did not follow the Pharaohs evil and immoral command to slaughter the Hebrew boys. Some have said, “Yes God blessed their civil obedience, but not their lying to the King”.
The problem with that interpretation is – God says in his Word that “therefore”, in other words “because of” what they had done in the previous verses he “dealt well” with the midwives. Can we honestly look at this passage and say God wanted them to tell Pharaoh the truth? If they had he would have executed them on the spot and sent other Egyptian mid wives in who would have done as he asked and more boys would have been slaughtered. The lie was necessary to continue to halt or least slow down the execution of these baby Hebrew boys.
God blesses Rahab for hiding the Hebrew spies and lying about their whereabouts
Rahab, a prostitute in the city of Jericho was blessed for hiding two Hebrew spies that came to check out the defenses of Jericho before they would attack (Joshua chapter 2).
“And the woman took the two men, and hid them, and said thus, There came men unto me, but I wist not whence they were: And it came to pass about the time of shutting of the gate, when it was dark, that the men went out: whither the men went I wot not: pursue after them quickly; for ye shall overtake them.” – Joshua 2:4-5 (KJV)
She not only lied having them there hidden in her roof, but she expanded the lie by sending the search parties in the opposite direction so that when the spies left her house they would not run into the search parties.
Because of Rahab’s great assistance to the people of Israel in hiding the spies and lying about the spies God granted her the honor of being one of the ancestors of Christ:
“Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab, Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth, Obed the father of Jesse,” – Matthew 1:5 (NIV)
In these other New Testament passages Rahab’s deceit is held up as shining example of right and just behavior:
“By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not, when she had received the spies with peace.” – Hebrews 11:31 (KJV)
“Likewise also was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way?” – James 2:25 (KJV)
The Scriptures are quite clear, lying is not always wrong.
So if lying is not always wrong, should a woman “fake it” with her husband?
The answer is YES. But it really is yes – most of the time.
When NOT to “fake it” with your husband
When the pain is abnormal
What I mean by that is I have heard from many Christian women on this subject that deal with chronic pain, whether it is in the vaginal area or elsewhere. Sometimes you may have big flare-ups or some unusual pain that you have never felt before. In this case you need to let your husband know, and if he being loving he will understand. But if you experience regular and chronic pain, you may need to sacrifice some comfort for this short period when sex occurs to meet the needs of your husband and your marriage. Some women actually get a short reprieve from their chronic pain if they have an orgasm.
If he is being rough
There may be some times where a husband has rough sex with his wife in an effort to display his dominion over her. To show her that she was made for him, not him for her(1 Corinthians 11:9). To remind her that she is to submit to him in everything (Ephesians 5:24). To show her that sex is not always all about her comfort and her wishes but rather that God made her for her husband’s sexual use (Romans 1:26-27) and satisfaction (Proverbs 5:18-19).
In either of these two cases, a woman does not need to fake that this experience is pleasurable for her. Now in the case of rough sex, some women may actually find this pleasurable and if you as a wife find this pleasurable than by all means display it to your husband.
When to “fake it”?
Every time you have sex and are not genuinely feeling sexual pleasure from your husband and it is not for the two reasons I mentioned above – you should fake it!
But shouldn’t wives enjoy sex too?
Absolutely! God wants women to enjoy sex too. This is why God gave women many erotic zones including but not limited to her clitoris.
Think about it – the clitoris only exists for one reason and that is pleasure! Unlike a man’s penis which serves other functions there is no other functional reason for a woman’s clitoris, it is one of many gifts God has given to man in the form of woman.
Now wait a minute! How can a woman’s clitoris be a gift to man? Is it not also a gift to woman? Yes it is a gift to woman as well. But we must always remember that woman was created for man as the the Scripture below states:
“Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”
1 Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)
As a woman reading this, you need to realize an extremely important concept that relates to sex and many other areas of your life. Your shared humanity with man, you feminine nature and your body were all perfectly crafted for man’s glory including his pleasure. So when it comes to sex, every woman should take under the following concept.
Neither were a woman’s breasts created for herself, but rather they were created for man. Neither was a woman’s vagina created for herself, but rather her vagina was created for man. Neither was a woman’s clitoris created for her, but rather her clitoris was created for man.
The point is that even a woman’s ability to experience sexual pleasure through clitoral stimulation was not given to her for herself, but rather it was given to her to enhance her husband’s sexual pleasure.
Now your husband should certainly try to make sex pleasurable for you and for 99% of men (besides rapists and other nut jobs) want to do that for the woman they are with. A huge part of a man’s sexual pleasure is knowing (or least believing) that he is giving pleasure to the woman he is having sex with.
But ladies let me be perfectly frank with you about something.
You are not going to ever truly enjoy sex with your husband until you understand how your body works. Yes this might mean going against traditional church teachings against masturbation but if you don’t understand how your body works, you can’t expect your husband to just figure it out for you. He may stumble upon things that work for you, but you can’t depend on that.
The key to you enjoying sex with your husband is literally and figuratively in your own hands.
So if you figure out how your body works, and gently find ways to guide your husband in a way that does not seem to be correcting him, but lovingly and softly showing him what you need you won’t have to fake it very often because you will actually be enjoying sex with him. In fact you may enjoy it so much you might start looking forward to it more and initiating sex with him more!
Ladies your mind can be your greatest asset or your greatest hindrance to enjoying sex with your husband. The choice is yours, break down those barriers and truly embrace the physical side of sexuality that God meant you to experience.
Keep your expectations realistic
Am I saying that a Christian woman who has kept herself pure for marriage is going to have all this comfort with her own body and her husband’s body on day one of her marriage(her wedding night)?
Of course not.
But once you are married you need to get to work knowing your own body (through masturbation) and also cultivating a desire for sex with your husband and very specifically cultivating a desire for your husband’s penis and his semen. This should be the goal of every new Christian bride.
Also ladies you have to be realistic about orgasms. It is a fact verified by multiple sex studies over several decades. Most women rarely have orgasms through vaginal intercourse. Now if you are one of those rare ladies that has one every time – then God bless you! But for most women it is not that way.
Sometimes both husbands and wives, due to ignorance on their part, get frustrated because the woman does not climax very often through vaginal intercourse. If you want to have regular orgasms you are going to have to get comfortable with manual stimulation with your husband’s hand or your hand and be able to receive oral sex from your husband otherwise orgasms will be very rare for you.
One last thing on keeping realistic expectations about sex. That fact is that no matter how well in tuned a woman is with her body and no matter how much she cultivates a desire for sex with her husband, there will be times she simply does not have an orgasm. And that is ok. Women are not like men in this regard, for men the entire point of sex is orgasm and ejaculation. But women can enjoy just being physically intimate with their husbands.
But why should I have to fake it?
Many Christian wives ask “If I give him sex that should be good enough, I should not have to give him sex and also pretend to like it! That is ridiculous!”
Do we think it is ridiculous when a retail sales person puts on a fake smile and fakes enthusiasm to sell their products to customers even if they really are having a bad day?
Of course not.
There are many times in life that we just have to put on a smile, put our best effort forward even when we don’t feel like it, and sex with our spouse is no exception to that rule.
What about the husband who comes home from a tough day at work and his wife wants to go on about drama in her sisters or girlfriends life? He could care less about it. But he puts on that fake smile and fakes like he is interested in it even though he might care less at that moment.
For men when it comes to sex – you as women appearing to enjoy it (whether it is genuine or not) is huge part of what makes sex pleasurable for a man.
If a man feels like he has pleased his wife in bed, he gets up and it just makes his day. Its more than just the physical release, a man is on cloud nine after sex if he feels he has pleased his wife.
If a man feels like he can’t please his wife in the bedroom it will deeply affect his self-esteem and his confidence.
You might feel as a wife “But I gave him sex when he wanted it!”. But if he feels that you were displeased during sex you may have given him a physical release, but you just added a psychological load to his mind. You can literally ruin your husband’s day by giving him sex but making him feel like a horrible lover, or that you did not desire him in bed.
So ladies if you want to truly please your husband, the man that God made you for, you need to fake it till you make it! Fake it till you truly enjoy it by overcoming your own mental inhibitions, understanding what makes your body tick, and then gently and lovingly showing your husband how to please you.