Most Christian wives today are taught that their husbands must earn sex with them by romancing them. What if the Bible taught the opposite? What if wives were required to seduce their husbands?
I know it sounds crazy. The Bible couldn’t possibly tell women they need to seduce their husbands, right?
Well if you give me a few minutes of your time the answer might surprise you.
In my article “How the Church Made Sex Dirty” I explain how Church fathers like Clement of Alexandria made sexual desire, even in marriage, to be dirty and sinful. This false doctrine infected the churches like a disease shortly after the Apostles death. I show in that article that the Bible in fact has a very positive view of sex and in no way, does the Bible support the false teaching that sex is only for procreative purposes. This false teaching is still alive and well in Christian churches all across the world today.
The negative view of sex was even worse when it came to women than to men. Women were taught to view sex as dirty and women who expressed any pleasurable thoughts about sex were condemned as whorish.
This brings us to how women view sex today in our modern era.
Six Modern Feminine Views of Sex
Below are six views of sexuality that women have today. I know some people hate to be boxed into categories. But if you are a woman reading this, and you are honest with yourself or asked your husband to be honest with you, you would find that you will come closer to one of these categories than the others.
The Frigid Wife
This Frigid wife views sex as a dirty activity that is a necessary evil for conceiving children. She has no desire to be touched in a sexual way or to touch her husband in a sexual way. If her husband presses her for sexual relations outside the context of trying to conceive a child she may reluctantly and grudgingly agree to do this “dirty” act with him. But she will have a nasty look on her face and be lifeless as he has sex with her.
The Submissive Wife
The Submissive wife has regular sexual relations with her husband whenever he desires it because she believes God tells her to and she believes this will help keep him from sexual temptation. But she views sex from the female perspective as more of a “receptive” position. She does not take any proactive steps to sexually arouse her husband or seduce her husband. She may actually enjoy sex sometimes with her husband but never enough to want to initiate it with him – she always waits for him to initiate sex.
The Romantic Wife
The Romantic wife loves sex but only views sex from a relational, romantic and feelings oriented position. She would reject the view of the Frigid wife that sex is only for procreation and she would also reject the view of the Submissive wife that a woman should just be in a submissive position to have sex with her husband whenever he desires it.
The Romantic wife believes her husband must earn each sexual encounter with her by romancing her. If for any reason, she does not feel like having sex then sex will not occur. Like the Submissive wife though, she rarely if ever initiates sex with her husband because she believes sex in a marriage should always center on a husband romancing his wife.
The Nympho Wife
The Nympho wife is a woman that has a sexual nature that is more similar to that of a man than a woman in that her sex drive is more physically oriented than relationally oriented. This type of woman could easily be having sex with multiple men in the same period in her unending quest for sexual pleasure.
The Nympho wife’s primary goal in sex is not procreation nor is it to please her husband but rather to meet her own sexual desires. She really has no desire to take the time or energy to seduce her husband or to truly concentrate on giving her body to him for his pleasure. She just wants the clothes off and to have him pleasure her and fulfill her sexual desires – him getting his sexual needs met is of little to no concern to her.
The Evil Seductress Wife
The Evil Seductress wife uses her body and her sexual charms to get what she wants. She uses sex to lure her husband into marrying her and then afterwards uses her sexual charms to control him and manipulate him for the remainder of their marriage. The Evil Seductress wife sees sex primarily as a tool for power and only secondarily as an activity for procreation or pleasure. Her goals in seduction may be just to have control of the man and his money or it may also include her desire for him to be a sperm donor to give her children.
The Good Seductress Wife
The Good Seductress wife is one who views sex primarily through the lenses of pleasing her husband sexually, not just submitting herself to her husband sexually. She goes much further than the Submissive wife in that she takes an active role in trying to please her husband sexually rather than just taking a passive role and waiting for him to initiate sexual relations.
The Good Seductress wife makes herself a student of her husband’s sexual preferences. She learns what turns her husband on and what turns her husband off sexually. She not only learns all these things about her husband – but she acts on this knowledge. The Good Seductress wife realizes that she cannot fully please her husband sexually unless she finds a way to truly enjoy sex herself so she becomes a student of her own body as well helping herself to work in concert sexually with her husband to bring him the maximum sexual pleasure that she can.
Which of these views of sexuality are most common among women?
I would say based on what I have read and observed through real life interactions and emails that the majority of women in American come closest to the Romantic wife position on sex. There are also probably a good number of women who come somewhere between the Submissive wife position and the Romantic wife position in that they will sometimes give into their husband’s request for sex even though they feel he has not really earned it.
The Nympho wife’s are a rarity but sadly there are more Frigid wives and Evil Seductress wives than people generally realize.
In the realm of Christianity Romantic wives are extremely common but in more conservative circles there are more Submissive wives. The Good Seductress wife is the rare jewel alluded to in Proverbs 31:10.
Now that we have presented these common feminine views of sex we now to need to measure these views against the Scriptures as we should all our beliefs about life.
Sex is both a Responsibility and Right in Marriage
First we need to establish the fact that under God’s law sexual access to one’s spouse is both a responsibility and a right within marriage for both the husband and wife.
The Scriptures teach both the responsibility to give sex and right to have sex in marriage:
“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)
I once heard a Pastor say to the young women of the church “If you don’t want to have sex three to four times a week for the better part of your life then don’t get married.” Unlike many Pastors today – he had a Biblical view of sexuality in marriage. A person who wants to get married and not have much sex is like a person who joins a baseball team but does not really want to play baseball.
It is absolutely amazing to me how many Pastors and Christian teachers today question this very clear Scriptural command. They look for all kinds of ways to give spouses (primarily women) excuses for denying their spouse sex in marriage.
Sex is not just a right a responsibility in marriage – it is like water for men
I think it is very telling that God chose to use water to describe a man’s desire for sex. God could have chosen to compare a man desiring to have sex with his desiring meat but humans can survive on just fruits and vegetables. God chose something that is necessary for all life on earth and something that we cannot live without to describe a man’s sex drive. In this one verse God makes it clear to both men and women – sex is a need for men, not just a want.
From a larger societal point of view while men on an individual level will not die from not having sex, the human race would die out if men don’t have sex with women. Even on a relational level, if a couple stops having sex the relationship often dies.
But here in Proverbs 5 we see that God is showing us that sex is a need on a very personal level for a man in comparing it to water.
But there is another principle God is teaching us about the masculine sex drive. Water is not just necessary for life but it is also beautiful in its natural state. Just imagine a beautiful lake, a mountain stream or an ocean view – water is one of God’s most beautiful creations. A man’s sex drive which is often thought of as “dirty” is actually said by God to be a pure as water.
As human beings, we don’t just need to take in water to survive, but we are mostly water – human beings are 60% water! In the same way that human beings are mostly water men are mostly sexual beings. It is a very important and defining aspect of who men are.
This brings up an important distinction between men and women. While both men and women desire sex – a core defining attribute of men is their sexual nature. For women, the core defining attribute of who they are is their relational nature. A man’s sex drive fuels all aspects of his life and gives him energy for him to go out and build, explore and conquer his world.
A man’s desire to touch, taste and experience a woman’s body on a sexual level is as pure and beautiful as water and like water is a defining part of who we are as human beings so too a man’s sexual nature is a defining aspect of his person.
So some women might be reading this and saying “Ok you proved your point that my husband has a right to have sex with me and I need to give myself to him for sex. But that is a far cry from me having to seduce him! Where is that in the Bible?”
We are almost to that answer, but first we have to talk about a special type of command in the Bible.
Some Biblical commands require a team effort to be fulfilled
There are commands in the Bible that we as individuals can fulfill without help from anyone else. For instance the Bible tells us not to steal, not to covet and not to murder. It tells us to be kind and caring to others. We each are responsible on our own for fulfilling these commands. A wife is told to submit to her husband and she can do this regardless of his behavior toward her unless he tells her to sin. A husband is to provide for and protect his wife and he can do this regardless of her lack of submission or other sins she may commit toward him.
However there are certain commands in Scripture which require two or more people to act in concert with one another. God’s very first command to mankind requires that husbands and wives work together.
“27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” Genesis 1:27-28 (KJV)
So what must happen for men and women to fulfill God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply”?
- A man and a woman must agree to a covenant of marriage.
- A man and a woman must willingly come together in sexual union to create offspring.
If men and women do not marry and do not have sex this first command of God cannot be fulfilled. A man cannot fulfill this on his own and neither can a woman but only in working together can man and woman fulfill this command of God.
Sex in marriage is not just for procreation or to avoid sexual temptation
Most Christian married couples do not know is that God gave another command that can only be fulfilled by husbands and wives working together:
“15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. 16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets.17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” Proverbs 5:15 & 18-19(KJV)
Proverbs 5 shows the third principle of sex that is often ignored in Christian circles. Most Christians will agree that God’s command in Genesis 1:28 to” Be fruitful, and multiply” tells us that one of the reasons God wants us to have sex is for procreation. Most Christians would also agree that I Corinthians 7:2 tells us that we should have sex in marriage “to avoid fornication”.
But what most Christians do not realize is that God wants men to satisfy themselves – to drink their fill of their wives’ body for their pleasure. This principle of God wanting us to seek sex for its pleasure is routinely denied by Christian writers today. Sue Bohlin, writing for Probe.org, displays the typical attitude of Christian writers who down play pleasure as a major motivating factor in sex:
“If the purpose and goal of sex is primarily pleasure, then other people are just objects to be used for sensual gratification. Since people are infinitely valuable because God made us in His image, that is a slap in the face whether we realize it or not. The Christian perspective is that the purpose of sex is relational, with pleasure as the by-product.”
The truth is that men primarily seek sex from the physical (or pleasurable aspect of it) and women primarily seek sex from the emotional (or relational aspect of it). Modern Christian teachers as well as feminists both falsely teach that the female perspective of sex “that the purpose of sex is relational, with pleasure as the by-product” is the right perspective and that men have it all wrong and need to become more like women in their sexual natures.
These same people who deny that God intended for men to freely seek sexual pleasure in their wife’s body try and reinterpret the command in Proverbs 5:19 for men to be satisfied by their wife’s breasts as it teaching that men should be content with whatever their wives do.
They actually reverse the true meaning of this passage and use this passage to excuse laziness and lack of effort on the part of a wife to please her husband sexually. If she gained excessive amounts of weight, dressed in frumpy clothes and failed to have basic hygiene that husbands were to make themselves satisfied with her and ravished by her. If she only liked to have sex in one position and only once a week with the lights turned off, again men were required to be satisfied by whatever their wife did or did not do. Rachel Pietka wrote an article for relevantmagazine.com and entitled “Christans are not called to have amazing sex”. The article was eventually deleted and taken off the site. But before it was deleted I snagged the following comment she made which shows a common Christian attitude that God does not care about Christians making a good effort to have great sex:
“Although sex is indeed God’s gift to us, Christians are not directly commanded by God to have great sex. Couples may find themselves incompatible in the bedroom, and they should not be bombarded with pressure from the Christian community to start having good sex and lots of it.”
And now I will demonstrate to you why this modern interpretation and application of this passage is false.
“Let her breasts SATISFY thee at all times”
The English word “satisfy” is a translation of the Hebrew word “Ravah” which literally means “to be satiated or saturated, have or drink one’s fill or to drench, water abundantly, saturate”.
So when we understand that “breasts” are symbolic of her whole body this is what God is saying to men regarding their wives:
“Drink your fill of your wife’s body whenever you are sexually thirsty and drink until you are satisfied”
So as we have shown here – the teaching that men are just to be content with whatever their wives do or don’t do in the sexual arena goes in direct contradiction to what this phrase actually teaches. Men are to drink their fill and drench themselves sexually in their wife’s body.
This flies in the face of modern teachings about sex in marriage that men should just be content with however much their wives want to have sex. It also contradicts the idea that husbands should be content with whatever their wives want to do sexually. “You should only have your wife do what she feels comfortable doing sexually” – is that not what we are told today? If a man desires anything more from his wife than what she is comfortable with then he is told that he is going too far and is being selfish.
But this passage tells us husbands are to drink their fill of their wife’s body! Am I saying there are absolutely no limits? Of course not. If something a husband wants from his wife violates a clear command of the Scriptures then a wife cannot give him what he wants. But aside from a man telling his wife to have sex with another man or him engaging in sadistic behavior toward his wife there really are not that many things a husband cannot do with his wife’s body or ask her to do with her body that would violate God’s law. Her body is for his sexual use(Romans 1:27) and to satisfy his sexual desires (Proverbs 5:18-19).
Let’s be honest. While there are legit cases where a wife must refuse her husband’s sexual request (like to have a threesome with the neighbor), many wives just try and use these types of extremes to justify any limitations they want to put on their sex lives. For instance I have heard of cases where wives do not feel “comfortable” touching their husband’s penis. They literally have never placed their hands on their husband’s penis. Other wives refuse to perform oral sex on their husbands. These types of “uncomfortableness” have no Biblical backing and women with these types of issues should be challenged by their husbands to change their behavior and thinking.
“and be thou ravished always with her love”
The English word “ravished” is a translation of the Hebrew word ‘Shagah’ which has to do with drunkenness or intoxication. Literally husbands are called to be intoxicated with their wife’s sexual love.
We associate drunkenness with wrong doing and most of the time it is. But the Bible tells us certain types of intoxication are not wrong. Listen to what Paul says about the Holy Spirit:
“And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;” Ephesians 5:18 (KJV)
Paul is telling us not to be drunk with wine – but be drunk with the Spirit of God! In the same way men are not to be intoxicated by whores but instead they are to be intoxicated by their wife’s sexual love.
It is critically important to point out that God tells husbands and wives that sex is not just for procreation as so many Christians have been wrongly taught in churches for centuries. Sex was also designed for pleasure and enjoyment. In this passage from Proverbs, God tells a man that he is to be satisfied by his wife’s breasts (symbolic of her entire body) and that he is to be ravished(intoxicated) by her love which is clearly erotic love based on the context of the passage.
Great sex in marriage is a team effort
The modern formula for sexual relations is that a man seduces a woman into having sex by romancing her.
The Biblical formula for sex is a woman makes herself affectionate “as the loving hind” and beautiful as the “pleasant roe” and available “at all times” and she ties her affection, her beauty and availability together to make herself sexually intoxicating to her husband. In other words – in the Biblical model of marriage a woman seduces or sexually entices her husband to come to his well and drink of the waters of her body and by doing this she intoxicates him, or ravishes him with her sexual love.
Now the team effort is that the husband must respond – to her affection, her beauty and availability. He must choose to “drink his fill” of his wife so that he may be intoxicated by her sexual love.
So as we can see, these commands require a husband and wife to work together in the same way they must work together to follow God’s command to be fruitful and multiply.
Solomon tells us here in Proverbs that the answer to a man not running after strange women (whores) is for him to find satisfaction in his wife’s body and be ravished with her sexual love.
But how can a man be intoxicated with sexual love for his wife if she makes no attempt to be affectionate toward him and she does not make herself beautiful and she does not show him that her body is always available to him?
The answer to that question is the same answer to this question – how can a man be fruitful and multiply if he can’t have sex with his wife? It is impossible. In the same way, for a man to be sexually ravished by his wife and sexually satisfied by her body she has to give him something to be ravished and satisfied by.
And this is not the only passage in the Bible speaking of erotic love between a man and woman. The entire book of the Song of Solomon is dedicated to this type of erotic, physical and sexual love that God commands there to be between a husband and wife in Proverbs.
“7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. 8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; 9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.” Song of Solomon 7:7-9 (KJV)
I also want to bring up one passage that does not speak specifically of sexual love in marriage but would still apply to how a woman shows her husband sexual love in marriage:
“She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12 (KJV)
This passage above from Proverbs speaks of the virtuous wife.
If a wife denies her husband sexually is she doing him good or evil?
She is doing him evil.
If a wife has sex with her husband, but does so in a grudging manner is she doing him good or evil?
She is doing him evil.
If a wife has sex with her husband but does so in a frigid manner is she doing him good or evil?
She is doing him evil.
If a wife refuses to make a good faith attempt to cause her husband to be satisfied with her body and be ravished with her sexual love by getting to know his sexual preferences and acting on those things is she doing him good or evil?
I would argue that a woman who fails to make a good faith attempt to know her husband’s sexual desires and satisfy them to the best of her ability in order to cause him to be ravished by her sexual love is in clear violation of the Word of God.
But why does God want women to seduce their husbands?
We have shown from Proverbs 5:19 that God wants wives to seduce their husbands to help fulfill the command that their husbands be ravished by them. But why did God setup such a paradigm wherein women must seduce their husbands to cause them to be ravished in their wives?
To answer that question, we have to ask another question first. Why does the Bible say God created the world?
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.” Revelation 4:11 (KJV)
God created the world and his most precious creation mankind, to bring him glory and honor and for him to exercise his power. Not only does God have power over our lives – but he is worthy to receive that power by his very position as creator. But God did not just make his creation to receive glory, honor and power – but he also created it for his own pleasure.
Like an artist or engineer that receives pleasure from their own creations God himself receives pleasure from his creations.
In this same way, God created woman to give man honor and glory and to allow him to exercise his power.
“7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. 8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.” I Corinthians 11:7-10 (KJV) “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4 (KJV)
And God has also created woman to be a source of comfort, blessing and pleasure for man:
“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” Genesis 24:67 (KJV) “25 Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:” Genesis 49:25 (KJV) “18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)
God has created woman to be a source of comfort, blessing and pleasure for man and this is why he commands that husbands are to find sexual satisfaction in their wife’s bodies and be ravished by their wife’s sexual love.
But a husband cannot fulfill this command on his own any more than he can fulfill God’s command to be fruitful and multiply on his own. For a husband to find satisfaction in his wife’s body and for him to be ravished by his wife’s sexual love requires active participation rather than just passive participation on his wife’s part to accomplish these goals.
In order to do this a wife must make her husband to believe and feel that her body is available to satisfy his sexual desires whenever he wishes. She must seduce him with her body and her sexual love for him.
A woman who simply spreads her legs and gives sex in a frigid manner is not cooperating with her husband to fulfill the command of God which requires BOTH their participation to fulfill. Wives must not just submit to sexual relations with their husbands but they must also give their husbands something to be ravished by!
In this article, we simply showed the command of God found in Proverbs 5:19 that women should sexually satisfy their husbands with their bodies and seduce their husbands with their sexual love. But we did not talk about how a woman could act out this command and set about to seduce her husband.
Many times, in the Scriptures God not only give us commands but he also give us examples to help us understand ways in which we can act out those commands. For instance, in 1 Timothy 5:14 God tells women to “guide the house” and then if we look back to Proverbs 31 he gives a detailed example of how a woman can fulfill her duty to “guide the house”.
In the same way in the area of a wife seducing her husband God has not left women without an example. In fact, God has given us not only a chapter like Proverbs 31, but an entire book in the Song of Solomon! In our next post, we will assemble a series of examples and principles found in the Song of Solomon that can act as sort of “A Biblical Guide to Seducing Your Husband”.