“I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband & I would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business & he is now taking the steps to do it. He has talked about it for years & dreamed about it, but I’ve never seen an attitude like this. He’s become very alpha. He actually works less now. He’s in a management role & he delegates a lot of work. To hear him on the phone with his employees…it’s like a totally different man. He’s very assertive & authoritative. I must say, it is a turn-on for me & makes me want him more.”
This was part of some correspondence I received from a Christian wife calling herself Wynter.
I get people sending me in emails all the time asking “why do you have to talk about sex so much?” and the reason I tell them is because our sexuality whether before marriage or after marriage has such a HUGE impact on our lives even though many Christians don’t want to admit it. We hear all the time about how we live in an “over-sexed” society and I can see why Christians feel that way because of all the modern imaging technology we have now and how much things that used to be in secret are now in our faces.
But let me assure you – long before the age of electricity and photographs and commercials sex has always played a large part in people’s lives. The difference was it was hidden.
Men and women were frustrated with their sex lives with their spouses since the beginning of mankind. Men and women have both acted sinfully because of wrong choices related to sex since the beginning as well. These are not new problems.
If we want to keep our young people from sinning sexually and if we want them to truly understand and embrace the gift of sex that God has given to most of his creation we must talk about this. If we want strong marriages we must talk about this. Wynter’s story illustrates how big of an impact sex when done God’s way in marriage can truly bring new life to that marriage and to an entire family as a result.
“I’ve been taking this seriously for the last six months and I just wanted to tell you & get your comments.
I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes; I’m not perfect). I give oral sex if intercourse is not possible.
I’m SHOCKED at how much my husband wants to have sex. He wants it just about every day, sometimes twice a day. Now that he knows I won’t deny him, he gets into the shower with me often and we make love in there. I had no idea he liked that so much. We did it in the shower a few times when we first got married, but I wasn’t into it because I just wanted to hurry up & shower & get ready for my day.
I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband & I would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business & he is now taking the steps to do it. He has talked about it for years & dreamed about it, but I’ve never seen an attitude like this. He’s become very alpha. He actually works less now. He’s in a management role & he delegates a lot of work. To hear him on the phone with his employees…it’s like a totally different man. He’s very assertive & authoritative. I must say, it is a turn-on for me & makes me want him more.
I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time & was too exhausted for sex. But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired & lazy & just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted & don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body & now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to. It’s not as simple as stop, drop, and “do it” like I thought it was going to be. Am I making any sense?
I’d love to know your thoughts on my story.”
My Response to Wynter
It brings me great joy, God great joy and I am sure your husband great joy to see the change in your attitude toward meeting your husband’s sexual needs.
The “SHOCK” you felt once you opened up and allowed your husband free sexual access to your body is one that many women face when they truly give their husbands that free and unfettered access to their bodies that God demands(I Corinthians 7:3-5).
The way it usually works is like this. When you are first married in the honeymoon phase of the relationship your husband is all over you if not every day at least several times a week. But many young brides quickly get over the newness of the sex and feel they must “settle their man down” so when he comes to her she delays him with “not today, maybe tomorrow”.
Her husband then learns that there is a real possibility that every time he goes to initiate his wife may turn him down. Now most women because of period issues or other medical issues will have to turn their husbands down from time to time and that is ok and husbands need to be understanding about this.
But if you were like most women you probably didn’t realize that if you turn your husband down for sex even for legitimate reasons it is YOUR job to get the sex moving again in your relationship. Your husband does not want to keep coming and asking for sex hoping this is the night you will say yes. For many men when their wives turn them down for sex it is like flipping an off switch on your sex life.
It is your job as a wife when you have to turn him down to go and turn the sex switch in your relationship back to ON. Most wives have no clue about this and they simply wait for their husband to initiate again and he may go several days or even a week until he decides to “risk it” again.
Some women actually get a sick thrill out of making their husbands never really know if they will say yes or no to them. This is an act of emotional cruelty toward one’s husband.
In either case, when you turn your husband down over time your sex life goes down to one or two times a week eventually or just a few times a month before you know it.
But once you open yourself to your husband and let him know he truly has unfettered access to your body and if you do have to turn him down you do it gently and then as soon as you are ready you initiate to let him know sex is back on the table it will truly revolutionize your marriage as you have seen.
Sex has a huge impact on a man’s demeanor
On the issue of the change in your husband’s ambition and demeanor – Absolutely you giving your body freely and with a good attitude to your husband would definitely help with his ambition and attitude toward life. Have you have heard the phrase “he just needs to get laid?” I know it sounds crass but it absolutely true. When a man (or even a woman) feels sexually frustrated or they are not getting sexually feed at home it will affect every part of their life. Often times it will result in men being less ambitious and more irritable.
When a man feels like he can have sex with his wife whenever he wants and he feels like she desires him and he pleases her that same man will often feel like he can go out and conquer the world!
There is an old saying that “behind every great man is a great woman”. I think that is often true when women truly support their husbands in the way God meant them to. Forgive me for what I am about to do to that famous phrase but I think this is statement is equally true:
“Underneath every great man is a great a woman”
Think in the sexual arena and let your brain churn for a minute and you will get what I am saying.
Keeping your husband well feed sexually will not only benefit him in his endeavors outside the home but it will also benefit your marriage and your family by giving him the increased energy he needs to take on life’s daily tasks.
Christian Wives must save energy for their sex lives
On the issue of you being tired all the time before – that is absolutely true for many women. The greatest lie of feminism is telling women “You can have it all”. That is utterly untrue. There are only so many hours in day and you only have so much energy to give. If you spend 40 hours a week at your job and then another 10 hours a week commuting you are going to have very little energy left to give to your husband, your children and your home.
Many women today save little to no energy for their sex lives with their husbands. Their jobs get their energy and what little energy they have after going out to their career they give to their children while they husband is left scrounging for scraps of energy from his wife for their sex life.
As you correctly point out – yes it is a sacrifice but I think you would agree based on the changes you have seen in your husband’s life that it was a sacrifice worth making.
I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though – don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God. We all face different types of sins and as men we have our own sinful inclinations as well that we must recognize and fight through God’s grace.
I just want to admonish you to keep up what you have been doing and realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband – but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you. This is also a great testimony that other women can learn from and I want to thank you for sharing this with me and my audience – it is truly a blessing.
As the old song we learned in church goes “Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe”.
“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” II Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)
Note: I originally published this article to Biblicalgenderroles.com in April of 2016. It has been updated and moved here to BiblicalSexology.com on 6/20/2020.