What is Biblical Modesty?

What does it mean for a woman to dress modestly? If you ask five different Christians you will most likely get five different answers.  There are lot of strong opinions and traditions about what constitutes modest dress for women.  But as Christians we know we must not live by opinions or tradition, but rather by the Word of God.

In 1 Timothy 2:9-10 (KJV) the Bible says:

“9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.”

There are three key words in 1 Timothy 2:9 which help us to understand the principles which should guide women in how God wants them to dress and those are “modest”, “shamefacedness” and “sobriety”.

The English word “modest” in 1 Timothy 2:9 is a translation of the Greek word “Kosmios” which means “well arranged, seemly, modest”.  And the old English word “shamefacedness” in 1 Timothy 2:9 is a translation of the Greek word “Aidos” which literally means to “a sense of shame or honour, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, regard for others, respect”.  Finally, the English word “sobriety” in 1 Timothy 2:9 is a translation of the Greek “Sophrosune” which means “self-control’.

Is God against women braiding their hair and wearing jewelry and fancy dresses?

There are entire Christian denominations like the Mennonites and the Amish that have taken the phrase “not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array” from 1 Timothy 2:9 and a similar phrase found in 1 Peter 3:3 to form a false doctrine that forbids Christian women from wearing jewelry, fancy dresses or having their hair down by stylists.

1 Peter 3:1-4 (KJV) says:

“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;  2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”

So, what is God saying in both 1 Timothy 2:9 and 1 Peter 3:3?

Neither of these passages are forbidding women from getting their hair styled, wearing jewelry or wearing fancy clothing.   In 1 Timothy 2:9 and 1 Peter 3:3 God is saying that a godly woman sees her most important “adorning” not as her outer clothing, but rather as her inner character. Her outward adorning should be a reflection of that character.  A godly woman’s clothing with reflect respect and reverence for her male head (her father or husband) as well as those whom she will be wearing it around.

The average woman cares far more about her appearance than the average man.  And there is nothing wrong with this and it is by the design of God that women feel this way.  Why? Because woman was made to be beautiful for man.

Psalm 45 has been recognized by many Bible scholars as a prophecy concerning Christ and the church.  Christ is the King and the bride being brought to the King for marriage is the church.

In Psalm 45:10-14(KJV) the Bible says:

“10 Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house;  11 So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.

12 And the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour.

13 The king’s daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. 14 She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework: the virgins her companions that follow her shall be brought unto thee.”

Notice in Psalm 45:11 that the Bible tells us the king greatly desires the beauty of his bride.   This is reflected in God’s design of man greatly desiring the beauty of woman.  And God has designed woman with a complementary desire to want to make herself as beautiful as possible for man.

Also notice in verses 13 and 14 that her clothing is wrought with “gold” and “needlework”.  The bride of the king is definitely wearing some costly array here. 

The Bible does not forbid women from getting their hair done, wearing nice clothes or even jewelry.  A woman’s desire to make herself beautiful with these things is by the design of God.  But a godly woman never looses sight of the fact that her inner character is more important than her outer appearance and that her outer appearance should be a reflection of her godly inner character.

Two Questions Which Determine the Modesty of a Woman’s Clothing

So, according to 1 Timothy 2:9 these are two questions that determine whether a woman’s clothing is in conformity to God’s law and thus honoring to God:

1. Is the clothing she is wearing appropriate to the occasion that she is wearing it for?
2. Is the clothing she is wearing acceptable to the culture she will be wearing it in? Do the clothing she is wearing show respect and reverence toward that culture or will it offend people in that culture?

Let me explain what I mean by “culture” in the second question above.  I don’t just mean American culture vs say Romanian culture.  Culture could refer to differences between local churches and even differences between families.  What may be acceptable to wear at one local church for services may not be acceptable in another.  What may be acceptable for visiting with one family may not be acceptable for visiting with another family.

If a woman seeks to wear clothing that is both appropriate and acceptable then she is demonstrating self-control.  A woman who wears clothing without regard for the occasion or culture she will be wearing it in is a woman who lacks self-control.

Who Determines What is Appropriate and Acceptable Clothing for a Woman?

A lot of women bloggers and women on Facebook, Instagram and other social media have appointed themselves as the judges of what is modest not only for themselves but also for all other Christian women.

But the Bible tells us that women are to submit to their fathers and husbands and this would include in the area of modest dress.

In Numbers 30:2-5(KJV) the Bible says

“If a man vow a vow unto the Lord, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.  If a woman also vow a vow unto the Lord, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father’s house in her youth;  And her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her; then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand. 

But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the Lord shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her.”

If a father has the right to disallow his adult daughter living in his home the right to keep a vow she has made, he certainly has the right (and I would argue the responsibility) to disallow her from wearing clothing he finds unacceptable.

And then we have the authority of a husband over his wife which exceeds the authority of a father over his daughter.

In Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV) the Bible says:

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

A husband has both the right and responsibility to set clothing standards for his wife that are suitable to both the occasions and cultures she will be wearing her clothing in.

This means that husbands and fathers have a great responsibility to ensure that the clothing their wives and daughters are wearing are both appropriate to the occasion and acceptable to the culture they will be wearing it in.

What If the Wife Has More Conservative Dress Convictions Than Her Husband?

I have heard it said many times by Pastors that “A man should never make his wife go against her conscience”.  And some will even quote these verses from Romans 14:15 & 21:

“15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died. … 21 It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.”

The problem with applying this passage to a husband in regard to his wife is that it ignores the relational difference between a husband and a wife and a man and his fellow brother in Christ.  It is literally an apples to oranges comparison and I going to take you through several Scripture passages that demonstrate why Romans 14:15 & 21 do not and should not be applied to husbands in regard to their wives.

In 1 Corinthians 7:2 (KJV) the Bible says:

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own [Greek ‘heautou’] wife, and let every woman have her own [Greek ‘idios’] husband.”

Many Pastors use 1 Corinthians 7:2 along with 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to try and teach the equal ownership of the husband and wife over one another.  But 1 Corinthians 7:2 actually teaches the very opposite of this and this then tells us that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 are NOT teaching that husbands and wives equally own another.

There is an important distinction in the original Greek that is lost by the English translation of “own” for both the husband and wife.

The Greek word heautou, used of the husband toward his wife refers to exclusive private ownership of someone or something.  The husband exclusively owns his wife. 

While in some cases idios can refer to exclusive ownership it can also refer to shared ownership or being part of a group as with a citizen of a country in John 4:44 (KJV) “For Jesus himself testified, that a prophet hath no honour in his own [Greek ‘idios’] country.” 

In Romans 14:4 (KJV) the Bible says:

“Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own [Greek ‘idios’] master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.”

Notice in Romans 14:4 that idios, also translated as “own”, refers to a person being owned by their master?  So, in order to rightly understand what idios means of the wife toward her husband we must ask the following question – is the wife an equal with her husband as citizens are within a country or is he her master?

The Bible answers this question for us in 1 Peter 3:5-6 (KJV):

“For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord [Gr Kurios – Master]: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

In 1 Peter 3:6 the Bible commands women to follow the example of the women of old who regarded their husbands as their kurios – their lord and master.   Now we don’t like that in our modern American egalitarian culture.  In fact, we hate the idea of kings and masters in America.  But this is the teaching of the Bible that the husband is indeed the earthly lord and master of this wife.

Now that we have established what the relationship of the husband to his wife is, with it being a master/servant relationship, then we know the meaning idios in 1 Corinthians 7:2.

1 Corinthians 7:2 teaches us that to avoid sex outside of marriage, every man should exclusively own [Greek ‘heautou’] a woman as his wife and every woman should be owned [Greek ‘idios’] by a husband.

And to be sure, the ownership of the husband over his wife is not just seen in 1 Corinthians 7:2, it is also seen throughout the Old Testament. 

In Deuteronomy 22:22 (KJV) the Bible says:

“If a man be found lying with a woman married [Hebrew ‘baal’] to an husband [Hebrew ‘baal’], then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.”

In Deuteronomy 22:22 the Hebrew word ‘baal’ is translated as two different words because of the context it is used in.  First it is translated as ‘married’ and then it is translated as ‘husband’.  The Hebrew word ‘baal’ when used in the noun sense meant ‘master’ and when used in the verb sense it meant ‘owned’ as in literally ‘owned by a master’. 

In the Old Testament a woman is seen as being owned by her husband who is her master.  When the Apostle Peter told women to follow the example of Sarah who called her husband ‘kurios’ (lord/master) he was reinforcing this concept from Deuteronomy 22:22. And a women’s husband is called her ‘baal’ (master) in several other passages of the Bible including Proverbs 31:11.

In addition to the Biblical teaching that the husband exclusively owns his wife and she does not own him, but rather she has shared access to him – the Bible also teaches several other unique characteristics of the husband/wife relationship.

The Bible says the following regarding the sexual aspect of a husband’s ownership over his wife in Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV):

“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy [Hebrew ‘Ravah’] thee at all times; and be thou ravished [Hebrew ‘Shagah’]  always with her love.”

Modern preachers teach this passage as simply telling men to be content with whatever their wives are willing to do sexually.  But this is not what this passage teaches.  The English word ‘satisfy’ is translating the Hebrew word Ravah which does not mean ‘be content’, but rather it means ‘to drink or take one’s fill’.  It means a man should use his wife’s body to satisfy all his sexual desires rather than him just being content without ever she is willing to offer.

And the English word “ravished” is a translation of Shagah which refers to intoxication but in the context of how it is used in Proverbs 5:19 – it means that a man is to be sexually intoxicated by his wife.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 11:9 (KJV) that “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man”. And the Scriptures also say in 1 Corinthians 14:35 “And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home…”. 

When we take all the teachings of the Bible together about unique relationship of the husband and wife we find this truth:

The woman was created to serve her man, her husband, as her master.  She was created to be owned by him, ruled by him, led by him, taught by him, provided for by him, protected by him and sexually used by him for his pleasure.

It is these truths above that make the relationship between a man and his wife very different than that of his relationship to a fellow brother in Christ or any other sister in Christ. 

And it for this reason that a man is not bound by his wife’s conscious as it relates to modest dress.  Instead, the wife should see to reformulate her convictions to match those of her husband for whom she was made to serve.

What if a Husband Asks His Wife to Wear Clothing That He Knows Will Disrespect Others?

Are there extreme cases where I think a wife could respectfully decline to wear what her husband has asked her to wear? Yes.  If the husband asks his wife to do something which knows violates the dress standards of a place she is going and would be considered disrespectful to do so – I believe she can respectfully decline her husband’s wishes.

Let give some examples to illustrate some rare occasions where a wife might have to respectfully decline her husband’s wishes as to what she wears.

If a man and woman are attending a conservative church where women only wear conservative dresses and it is known they are offended by tight outfits and yoga pants on women – it would right for a wife to respectfully to decline her husband’s request to wear a tight shirt and yoga pants that cling to her body for a church service at that church.  Because her to wear such an outfit would be a violation of 1 Timothy 2:9’s command for women to show respect and regard for others in what they wear.

If a man and his wife are going to the beach with her parents and she knows her father would be uncomfortable and offended by her wearing a bikini then she should respectfully decline her husband’s request to wear a bikini in the presence of her father citing 1 Timothy 2:9’s command for women to show respect and regard for others in what they wear as well as Exodus 20:12 and the 5^th commandment that she is to honor her father.

Some may say giving these exceptions for women to disobey their husbands in regard to their dress is unnecessary and may lead to women abusing the 1 Timothy 2:9 principle that women should show reverence and regard for others in how they dress.

And yes, there are some women reading this who would say “What if I think the clothes he is asking me to wear are disrespectful to me as his wife?”  My answer to such a woman would first be what Job said to his wife in Job 2:10 “Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh”. 

A husband asking his wife to wear clothing she is not comfortable wearing in public is not the same as him asking her to wear clothing that is offensive to other people outside his home.  Why? Because as I have already pointed out extensively, the relationship between him and her is different than his relationship between him and all other people.  Because he owns his her, he is her master, and God has given her to him for his pleasure. 

In other words, it is NOT disrespectful for a husband to ask his wife to do something, whether it is sexual in nature or not, that she is simply uncomfortable with or even if it violates her conscious.  It is only sinful for a husband to ask his wife to do something that is a clear and explicit violation of a Biblical command.

Now let’s return to why I gave the examples about husbands asking their wives to wear clothes that the husband knew would be offend others.  I gave those examples not as some theoretical exercise – but because I have actually seen and heard of husbands doing this.

A man telling his wife to wear something in the presence of others that he knows will offend those people is the equivalent of him telling his wife to call them lewd and disrespectful names.  Purposeful disrespectful behavior toward others is always a sin against God.

And as Acts 5:29 clearly states – “We ought to obey God rather than men”.

Practical Application of Biblical Principles Related to Women’s Modesty

Below are some scenarios that will help both husbands and wives to understand how to apply all the Biblical principles I have given above as it relates to a woman’s modesty.

Scenario #1

A man buys his wife some lingerie to wear for him.  She looks at the lingerie, it looks uncomfortable and she feels like it is “slutty” looking.   He has asked her to put it on in their bedroom and wait for him.

Now let’s apply the two rules we see for women’s dress in 1 Timothy 2:9:

1. Is it appropriate to the occasion? Yes – it is the bedroom.
2. Is it acceptable to the culture? Yes – she is wearing this in front of a culture of one – her husband.

Therefore, since the Bible commands that the wife is to submit to her husband in everything (Eph 5:24), that she is to do things which sexually intoxicate him (Proverbs 5:19) and that his request for her to wear this lingerie does not violate 1 Timothy 2:9’s appropriate and acceptable rules the wife should absolutely obey her husband’s request in this scenario.  Her discomfort with the lingerie is utterly irrelevant.

Scenario #2

A wife buys lingerie that her husband finds to be too slutty.  Perhaps he prefers his woman in much more conservative lingerie.   Maybe he even believes no woman should wear that kind of lingerie and is offended by it.

Now let’s apply the two rules we see for women’s dress in 1 Timothy 2:9:

1. Is it appropriate to the occasion? Yes – it is the bedroom.
2. Is it acceptable to the culture? No – it is offensive to the culture of one – her husband.

This is why a wife needs to be a student of her husband and to know his worldview and how his mind works.  It is actually a possible for a man to be conservative in the sexual arena than his wife and a woman needs to respect that about her husband.

Scenario #3

A man buys his wife a sexy evening dress for a date they will be going on. The dress is within culturally accepted norms in both the fancy restaurant they will go to and other places they will be going.  The dress reveals several inches of her cleavage and also shows the outline of her breasts and body very well and is several inches above her knees.  She is utterly uncomfortable wearing this dress out in public.

Now let’s apply the two rules we see for women’s dress in 1 Timothy 2:9:

1. Is it appropriate to the occasion? Yes – it is an evening dress for a date with her husband.
2. Is it acceptable to the culture? Yes.

Scenario #4

A man buys his wife a bikini he would like her to wear to a public beach with him.  A bikini on a public beach is within culturally accepted norms for beach apparel.  She feels very uncomfortable wearing a bikini and has only worn full bathing suits with skirts her whole life. 

Now let’s apply the two rules we see for women’s dress in 1 Timothy 2:9:

1. Is it appropriate to the occasion? Yes – it is a swim wear for a beach setting.
2. Is it acceptable to the culture? Yes.

Scenario #5

What if a woman’s husband asked her to wear the same sexy evening dress for a double date with another couple whom they are friends with? Or what if he asked her to wear the bikini to go to the beach with another couple whom they are friends with? This is often even more difficult for women to wear such clothing around other men they know.  But is it wrong in this case?

Let’s once again apply the two rules we see for women’s dress in 1 Timothy 2:9:

1. Is it appropriate to the occasion? Yes – it is appropriate to wear a sexy dress for a dinner date and it is appropriate to wear a bikini to the beach.
2. Is it acceptable to the culture? If the other husband would not be offended by this and has the same dress standards for his wife then this could be culturally acceptable.  However, if the man knows that the other man would in fact being offended by this apparel then in this case it would be wrong for him to have his wife wear the sexy dress or the bikini.   

Isn’t it Wrong to Wear Things in Public That Might Offend Others?

Some contend that we should never do anything in public, whether it be in how we dress or what entertainment we like to engage in (like going to the movies or a concert) where someone might see us and be offended by us doing that.

In other words, they see no difference in whether we are specifically going to someone’s house or inviting them out with us and them just randomly seeing us in public.  In their view, Christians should in public take on the most conservative standards possible so as to avoid the possibility of ever offending other Christians who have different standards.

1 Corinthians 10:25-32 (KJV) explains how we are to deal with these differences amongst Christians:

“25 Whatsoever is sold in the shambles, that eat, asking no question for conscience sake:

26 For the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof. 27 If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake.

28 But if any man say unto you, this is offered in sacrifice unto idols, eat not for his sake that shewed it, and for conscience sake: for the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof:

29 Conscience, I say, not thine own, but of the other: for why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience? 30 For if I by grace be a partaker, why am I evil spoken of for that for which I give thanks?

31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.

32 Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God”

Paul first tells Christians to buy whatever is in the shambles (the market place) and not ask anything about its origins (whether it was sacrificed to idols before being sold).   Going to the market place is a public activity and it is very possible that the person in 1 Corinthians 10:28 who has an issue with meat sacrificed to idols might see you from a distance buying it.  This tells us that God speaking through the Apostle Paul does not have an issue with us doing something in public where we may be discovered doing something that could be offensive to some other Christians who don’t think they can do those things.

The Scriptures actually address this situation of a brother discovering someone doing something he thinks he cannot do in Romans 14:3 (KJV):

“Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.”

Conclusion

1 Timothy 2:9-10 teaches us that women should wear clothing that is appropriate to the occasion and acceptable to the culture in which they will be wearing it.  Culturally acceptable clothing means that the clothing they will wear will be respectful of the beliefs of the people they will be wearing it around.  A culture could be a culture of one (her husband) or a culture of many like her parents and siblings or her church, town, city or nation she is in.

We also answered the question of who determines the appropriateness and acceptability of a woman’s clothing, in other words who determines what is modest for a woman to wear?  The answer to that is fathers (Numbers 30) and husbands (Ephesians 5:24).  Women are to obey their husbands in “everything” as Ephesians 5:24 states and this would absolutely include determining what is modest clothing.

In 1 Corinthians 14:35 the Bible teaches of wives that “And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home…”.  When it comes to moral and spiritual issues, it is the husband who the interpreter and applier of the Word of God for his wife.

However, in some cases women will have husbands who sinfully seek to have their wives purposefully offend others in how they dress.  And in these cases, wives must “obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).  An example might be a husband trying to make his wife wear a bikini to a church picnic which is a clear violation of the 1 Timothy 2:9 principle that women should not wear clothing which will be inappropriate to the culture in which they will be wearing it.

But wives cannot use their own interpretations and applications of the Bible or their feelings and then slap the label of “conviction” on them to refuse to wear something their husband asks them to wear that is both appropriate to the occasion and acceptable to the culture in which they will be wearing it in.